Idol Chatter & Voice Views

Simon Cowell didn’t become synonymous with American Idol by complimenting contestants on their appearance.

Nope, frank commentary, bordering on rudeness, has been his trademark through nine seasons of the nation’s top-watched show.

So as Simon prepares to leave Idol this week, I’ve compiled a list 10 of my favorite snide comments from Mr. Cowell over the past three years. As a bonus, you’ll find a video of some oldies but goodies at the bottom of the blog.

Here goes:

10. To Brooke White, after she performed Mariah Carey’s “Hero” in season seven: “It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.”

9. To Kristy Lee Cook, after she sang “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” in season seven: “I think you need hypnosis or something, because you’re not a very good performer.”

8. To Stephen Fowler, after he sang Michael Jackson’s “Rock for You” in the season eight semifinals. “I actually wish you had forgotten the lyrics, because it was such a pointless performance.”

7. To Todrick Hall, after he sang Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It” in the season nine semifinals: “I would say, Todrick, move but don’t sing, because this is not working out at all for you.” Hold it, isn’t this a singing competition?

6. To David Archuleta, after he sang “You’re the Voice” in season seven: “It was reminiscent of a theme park performance. You know, it’s one of those ghastly songs you sing when you’ve got animated creatures with you, and everyone joins in.”

5. To Paige Miles, after she performed Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds in the season nine finals: “It was like there were five of you singing that song. And it got progressively worse with each one.”

4. To Kristy Lee Cook, after she performed the Beatles “Eight Days a Week” in season seven: “You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium.” Poor, Kristy Lee.

3. To auditioner Tiffany Shedd, after she attempted Mariah Carey’s “Hero” (there’s that song again) with Churchill Downs as a backdrop. “Tiffany, to put it into horse racing terms, imagine 22 horses and a donkey. You just wouldn’t stand a chance.”

2. To the season nine male semifinalists, as Ryan looked for advice from the judges on how they should deal with nerves in preparing for their first live performance. “I watched some of the rehearsals earlier on,” Simon said, “and I saw an awful lot of nerves. If you lose it tonight, or forget your words, your career’s over.” Way to soothe their nerves, Simon.

And, finally, one that sums up Simon’s perception of himself, as the last judge to speak on Idol.

1. To Stevie Wright, after she sang “You Belong With Me” during the season eight semifinals: “(The other judges) are being quite polite. I mean, Stevie, it was terrible. The song was OK. You were out of tune. You looked really nervous. Out of your depth. The good news is, at least you got some experience, I guess. But there is zero chance of you making it through to the next round after this.”

Responded Paula: “America votes.”

Responded Simon: “Yes, but they listen to me.”

Bonus: But they didn’t all the time, causing Simon, at least once, to raise a white flag after his repeated harsh critiques of Sanjaya Malakar’s performances failed to get the youngster kicked off the show in season six. After Sanjaya showed up on stage with his long hair fashioned into a ponyhawk and butchered No Doubt’s “Bathwater,” Simon surrendered: “I don’t think it matters, what we say actually. I think you are in your own universe. And if people like you, good luck.”

Now, for some oldies but goodies, courtesy of YouTube.

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