Idol Chatter & Voice Views

Back when the finals began, the 13 contestants were asked to name their favorite judge.

Guess who got the most votes?

That’s right, the acid-tongued Simon Cowell.

Four contestants — Michael Sarver, Megan Joy, Lil Rounds and Allison Iraheta — tabbed Simon as their favorite.

Paula trailed right behind with three votes, followed by two for Kara and one for Randy.

OK, I know, that’s only 10 votes. That’s because three contestants — Alexis Grace, Scott MacIntyre and Danny Gokey — dodged the question.

Why Simon?

Said Megan: “You just want to please the guy.” Michael said he picked Simon for saying, “Even if the truth hurts, it’s better than a lie.”

Well, Mr. Cowell has been in fine form in season eight, shooting down dreams without the slightest smidgen of sugar coating.

Here are my picks for Simon’s snarkiest comments of 2009.

10. You don’t even have to be on stage to earn Simon’s ire. In week four of the finals, Danny Gokey impressed Simon with a performance of “What Hurts the Most,” which prompted Mr. Cranky to compare him to two earlier performers, Anoop Desai and Megan Joy.

Said Simon: “”I know we’re only three (performances) in, but it was like two snails competing against a race horse.”

9. Simon’s sharp words aren’t just reserved for contestants. Sometimes, fellow judges are singled out for criticism, too. And not just Paula. Take this comment from Simon, after Adam Lambert’s stylish performance of “Feeling Good” during Rat Pack Week.

Said Simon: “I love Randy complaining about you being too theatrical. It’s like complaining that a cow moos.”

8. Oh, and that quick wit. Argue with Simon, question his reasoning and, sometimes, things just get worse. That’s what happened when Jorge Nunez tried to explain his choice of singing “Never Can Say Goodbye” on Michael Jackson week.

Said Jorge: “I wasn’t going to sing ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson.”
Countered Simon: “Well, you sorta did.”

7. Now with all his money, you have to figure Simon dines at the finest establishments. Which is what made his critique of Kris Allen’s performance of “Come Together” so baffling. Maybe Simon was dieting the day he came up with this way to tell someone a performance was forgettable.

Said Simon: “It was rather like eating ice for lunch in that it will leave you nothing to remember afterward.”

6. Simon has never been known for limiting his critiques to the music. He liked Danny Gokey’s version of “Jesus Take the Wheel.” He wasn’t as fond of the bulky white jacket Danny delivered it in.

Said Simon: “My only problem, Danny, is what you’re wearing. It’s like you’re going on some sort of polar expedition or something, and it’s 80 degrees in Los Angeles.”

5. Remember, Lil Rounds was a Simon fan, at least before this critique of her performance of “What’s Love Got To Do With It.”

Said Simon: “We are not looking for a second- or third-rate version of Tina Turner … that became one of those ghastly copycat performances … It’s like we have literally lost you.”

4. No one has ever accused Simon of being too modest. And certainly not after his critique of Stevie Wright’s version of “You Belong With Me” during this year’s semifinals.

Said Simon: “(The other judges) are being quite polite. I mean, Stevie, it was terrible. The song was OK. You were out of tune. You looked really nervous. Out of your depth. The good news is, at least you got some experince, I guess. But there is zero chance of you making it through to the next round after this.”
Said Paula: “American votes.”
Said Simon: “Yes, but they listen to me.”

3. Stephen Fowler forgot his lyrics during his final Hollywood performance, but was still granted a spot in the final 36. For the semifinals, he decided to perform Michael Jackson’s “Rock for You.”

Said Simon: “I actually wish you had forgotten the lyrics, because it was such a pointless performance. To be honest with you, Stephen, for someone of your experience, someone who wants this so badly to do this terrible song with, I have to say, this terrible arrangement.”
Apparently, America was listening. Stephen didn’t advance.

2. Simon was gearing up for the finals long before they began. The Louisville, Ky., auditions were held at the Churchill Downs horse track, and Simon couldn’t help referring to the setting after Tiffany Shedd auditioned by trying to sing Mariah Carey’s “Hero.”

Said Simon, pointing toward the track: “Tifanny, to put it into horse racing terms, imagine 22 horses and a donkey. You just wouldn’t stand a chance.”

1. Remember, Megan Joy was among the Simon fans. She sure fell short of pleasing the guy with her version of “For Once in My Life.”

Said Simon: “The good news is, you look good. The bad news is, it was horrible. Whoever is advising you, I would fire. Because you’re getting some really, really terrible advice. It was an atrocious song. It was a horrible arrangement. The vocals were just all over the place.”

Hmm, wonder if that popularity poll would turn out differently if the question was asked at the end of the competition?