Idol Chatter & Voice Views

Coming Tuesday: The show we’ve all been waiting for, the season seven finale on American Idol.

So between now and then I’ll take a look at the best and worst of Idol 2008, based on the performances and judging since the field was narrowed to the final 12.

Anyone who watches Idol knows the routine by now. A contestant finishes singing and moves center stage with host Ryan Seacrest so the judging can begin.

They listen carefully to Randy. They smile at Paula because they know they’re going to hear something good. Then they often turn to Simon and cringe.

Simon might not have invented snarky, but he’s perfected the art.

So here are my picks for Simon’s snarkiest comments from season seven, counting down to the snarkiest.

10. “Look, we’re not going to remember that in 10 years, are we?”

— to Ramiele Malubay, after she sang “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” in week four of the final 12.

9. “It was a little bit like a Chihauhau trying to be a tiger.”

— to David Archuleta after he tried to imitate Chris Brown by singing “With You” in Tuesday’s show.

8. “It felt to me, and I’m sure to you, like the longest two minutes of your life.”

— to Jason Castro, after he struggled through “Memory” in week seven of the final 12.

7. “You’ve got to have a word with whoever is dressing you at the moment … I think at this stage, without being rude, you’ve got to start looking more like a star.”

— to Carly Smithson after she sang “Here You Come Again” in week four of the final 12. Paula, jumping out of her chair, clearly thought Simon had gone beyond rude.

6. “I understood about 30 percent of what you sang.”

— to Amanda Overmyer, after her week one performance of “You Can’t Do That.”

5. “It was reminiscent of a theme park performance. You know, it’s one of those ghastly songs you sing when you’ve got like animated creatures with you and everyone joins in together.”

— to David Archuleta, after he son “You’re the Voice” in week three of the final 12.

4. “I think you need hypnosis or something, because you’re not a good performer.”

— to Kristy Lee Cook after she sang “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.”

3. “It sounded like Chikezie was on harmonica.” — not a ringing endorsement, since Simon labeled Chikezie’s harmonica performance “atrocious.”

— to Ramiele Malubay, after she sang “I Should Have Known Better” in week two of the final 12.

2. “It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.”

— to Brooke White after she attempted Maria Carey’s “Hero” on the piano in week six of the final 12. The comment prompted a debate over just?what was missing?– the burger or the condiments.

1. “You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium.”

— to Kristy Lee Cook after her country version of the Beatles “Eight Days a Week.”

Oh, Simon specializes in backhanded compliments, too. Here are my favorites from Idol 2008:

“If you can make a song about sparrows good, which you did, congratulations.”

— to David Cook after he sang Dolly Parton’s “Little Sparrow” in week four.

And …

“The truth is you could have whistled a song and it would have sounded better than the last song. You were very well placed.”

— to David Archuleta when he sang “Stand by Me” minutes after Jason Castro butchered “I Shot the Sheriff” in week nine.

Coming next: Paula’s zaniest