Idol Chatter & Voice Views

The first episode of Simon Cowell’s The X Factor is in the books.

Count me among the very entertained for the first hour, featuring the auditions in Los Angeles.

Count me among the very annoyed in the second hour, when the show moved to Seattle and transformed in a very American Idol-like waste of time.

As the show progresses, I’ll grade performances. On night one, let’s grade the show’s components.

The judges: Simon Cowell is back and in fine form. Said Simon to one misguided teen duo: “It was like you were singing, and she swallowed poison.” If he were on Idol, L.A. Reid would be the best judge we’ve seen not named Simon. Paula Abdul was engaged and coherent. Love Cheryl Cole’s accent, but it might be good that she’s gone because it would only be a matter of time before I typed her name as Cheryl Crow. Nicole (hate spelling her last name) Scherzinger looks like the lightweight on the panel. Showing her talking like a 6-year-old because it’s her birthday in her first episode does nothing to shatter that perception. Grade: B.

But let’s not get too excited. These are pre-recorded, edited episodes. I would have given Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler pretty high marks after their first audition episode on Idol. By the end of Season 10, Jennifer and Steven deserved Fs; Randy Jackson an F-.

The music: After all, that’s what this is supposed to be about, right? Finding the new superstar. Months ago, Simon said that’s why he’s offering a $5 million prize; that he’s determined to find someone special. It should be noted that special has pretty much eluded the UK version of The X Factor. Ever hear of Joe McElderry? Alexandra Burke? Matt Cardle? They’re the most recent winners. After seven years, the only winner to make an impact in the U.S. has been Leona Lewis.

The good news, the first two episodes featured some real talent. You have to think single mom Stacy Francis, 42, is an immediate favorite among the older singers after her brilliant take on “Natural Woman.” The X Factor found a heartthrob for the more mature members of the audience in 36-year-old Terrell Carter (I was pretty sure Cheryl was on the verge of swooning after his performance). The X Factor might have found a heartthrob for the younger set in 14-year-old John Lindahl.

Among the gals, Simone Battle looked like just another pretty wannabe pop star until Simon made her sing a cappella. Then, wow! The judges were more impressed than I was with recovering addict Chris Rene . Who, by the way, is a musician as much as he’s a trash hauler. Just check out the number of listens he’s had on Reverbnation. But the 28-year-old advanced singing an original song and is someone we’re sure to see more of.

All in all, the talent seemed fresher than play-it-safe Idol. And more mature. Grade: B.

The backstories: Simon promised us raw and edgy. Really? I mean, did we see anything we’ve never seen before. A single mom? A single dad? A 20-year-old (Marcus Canty) who wins a ticket to Boot Camp (The X Factor’s version of Hollywood) just as a Mommy-imposed two-year deadline for making it in the music business is about to expire?

Give me talent and personality and someone who knows how to entertain, and I could care less about the backstories. For the most part though, The X Factor did not let them dominate. Grade: C.

Shameless self-promotion: Idol is notorious for this. During the Season 10 auditions, we had contestants fawning over Ryan Seacrest, Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, even Marc Anthony (little did they know, right?). Idol even trotted out Randy Jackson’s high school football coach.

On opening night, The X-Factor gave us over-the-top entrances for its judges, Nicole’s birthday celebration and a too-hyped segment in which L.A. Reid and Simon were painted as adversaries, always disagreeing about talent. For the most part, the shameless self-promotion was held in check. I was worried about that, especially after noticing that the popcorn buckets at the show’s L.A. premiere featured a photo of the judges. Grade: B.

The crazies: The X Factor was doing so well in Los Angeles. For the most part, the episode focused on the talented, not the deluded. And the deluded we met were funny (61-year-old retired court clerk Linda Ostrowsky singing “Touch Myself”) or at least a little touching (Dan, age 70, and wife Venita, age 83, singing “Unchained Melody”).

Then we got to Seattle and the wheel fell of the proverbial cart. In an hour, we met just three Boot Camp bound acts (Canty, Rene and a talented male trio named The Answer). The rest of the episode was dominated the pointless performances from people who had no chance of advancing. If The X Factor wanted to remind everyone how similar it is to Idol, the second hour of Wednesday’s episode accomplished the mission.

Worse yet, a guy named Geo Godley got as much screen time as anyone. Geo sang a song called “Mr. Stud.” Early on in the song, Geo dropped his pants. But he continued singing, a red X covering his privates. And he remained on stage to be judged. L.A. Reid called the performance “offensive, disgusting and distasteful.”

Ah, but not too offensive, disgusting or distasteful to put on TV, apparently. Really, Simon? Grade: F.

Conclusion: For an hour, The X Factor came off as a potential upgrade over Idol. After the first hour, it started coming across as something far short of must-see TV. Grade: C.